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Everybody wants to feel important to someone, someplace. It’s comforting to know that your presence matters, whether at work, school, or when dealing with friends and family. We all want to be liked, and that’s no secret.
This can imply different things to different people in the mental health field. Additionally, the majority of “how to be more likeable” recommendations stress that it’s “totally under your control.” Furthermore, although you have control over the ideas, actions, and feelings you display to others around you, you have no control over how they are interpreted by others.
The likability paradox, which highlights the unequal standards for likability between men and women, particularly in the workplace, is a good example. “To succeed, women must be likeable, but likeable women are seen as less competent, and the more successful and competent a woman becomes, the less she is seen as likeable,” writes Alicia Mendez in her book The Likability Trap: How to Break Free and achieve as You Are. These gendered stereotypes can limit one’s ability to control likeability in a professional situation by influencing one’s prejudice, which is completely beyond our control.
Numerous tips exist for making oneself more likable and genuine to the general public, ranging from personality features to one’s attire and behavior. Sometimes, though, it’s simpler to figure out what you can give up.
A list of some behaviors to avoid if you want to be more likable was developed by me, a licensed therapist, and two other certified clinical psychologists. We’ve also given some tips on how to prevent them. These are all applicable to a wider audience and practical.
“We all have patterns and behaviors that can lead us towards unhealthy or unsatisfying relationships,” says certified psychologist Victoria Latifses. “Taking an inventory of our behavior can help us to change the source of what is leading us in the wrong direction.”
- Perceiving the world as changing around you
Do you ever find yourself losing yourself in your thoughts? According to licensed clinical psychologist Robert Yeilding, PsyD, “when one person’s needs are prioritized over others, and expectations of the relationship are inequitable,” it can be a sign of self-centeredness to constantly feel that the world revolves around you.
Because it demonstrates your genuine concern for them, people value it when you show empathy and consideration for their feelings. Put yourself in other people’s shoes and quit being the center of your own to become more likeable. - Failure to Set Clear Boundaries
One of the most crucial things you can do for your mental health is to maintain good boundaries, particularly if you’re a people-pleaser. You run the risk of overrevealing personal information and crossing others’ boundaries if you don’t. You may, however, establish a pleasant and at ease social presence (and gain more likes) if you do.
Additionally, Latifses advises against defending your borders. Rather, “Express your actual wants, desires, and feelings. Reevaluate your priorities if these aren’t being met and you start to retreat, try to exert control, justify, or become irritated,” she advises. - Not Providing What You Receive
It’s critical to reciprocate. According to Yeilding, when it’s absent, it means that the other person “doesn’t reciprocate the time, availability and support” that are necessary in a partnership.
People may begin to perceive you as opportunistic and greedy if you consistently take more than you give, or worse, they may believe you are taking advantage of them. You can gain more respect from your peers by giving up this habit and acting in a helpful and giving manner. - Taking Everything for granted
Assumptions are simple to form, especially when interacting with familiar people. But eventually, you have to take stock and realize that you don’t know everything. You don’t have the right to make assumptions about someone just because their behavior or viewpoints are predictable.
To be more present in the moment and fully take in the subtleties of a discussion, engage in active listening. Try to see things from someone else’s point of view, for instance, if you usually anticipate rejection when anything goes wrong. Latifses concludes by saying, “It isn’t always about us.” - Identifying as a “Yes-Person”
It may seem accommodating to always say yes to everything, but it’s not. You may come across as insincere if you obediently comply with everyone’s requests. Being able to say “no” when necessary is a useful trait that goes beyond likeability.
According to Latifses, “A ‘no’ honors a limit and a boundary, as well as the respect we have for ourselves.” - Taking Things Too Seriously
Have you ever been accused of being overly serious? Even though this comment irritates you, particularly if you’re more of a stoic person, it’s worth hearing.
“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated,” as Confucius once observed, and this is true. Strike the correct balance between seriousness and fun to avoid getting overly rigid about a problem. This can help you establish a more personal connection with others in addition to making you appear more approachable and adaptable. - Adhering to Your Phone Constantly
Put down your phone and do something off-screen, whether you’re alone yourself at home or among others. Being stuck to your phone gives the impression that you are aloof, preoccupied, or uninterested. By doing this, you can prevent undue stress on your eyes (goodbye blue-light damage!) and interpersonal connections. You may show others that you’re interested in a conversation by being totally present both throughout and outside of social media. - Approaching Everything from a “Switzerland” Perspective
Imagine yourself in the midst of a heated argument amongst friends. You are the decisive element in their argument over where to have supper. Should your initial response be, “It doesn’t matter to me,” you can have a tendency to stay impartial in a dispute.
Although adopting a “Switzerland” approach could work for you in some circumstances, consistently avoiding a position or voicing your views can come out as unsupportive. Be willing to voice your opinions and ideals while yet honoring the opinions of others if you want to alter this behavior.
